mercury in retrograde more like
Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the angels’ hierarchies?
And even if one pressed me suddenly against his heart:
I would be consumed in that overwhelming existence.
For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,
And we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying."
I’m going to be completely honest here: the issue of deity silence was only a significant problem for me when I still considered myself pagan.
I found that there was an overwhelming pressure within the community to seek those experiences of gods tapping you on the shoulder or whispering in your ear, and that mindset really caused me to focus on the ‘divine’ aspects of luciferianism while ignoring the more human aspects. And I think this was what I needed at the time—after all, I came to luciferianism so cynical about divine, as someone that wanted nothing to do with it. The immersion in a community that actively welcomed and sought out divine experiences helped spur the first of many paradigm shifts that would occur in my faith, and did inspire me to grow spiritually.
But after a while, I felt stuck. Like you, I couldn’t seem to move forward. I felt like I was hearing the same conversations over and over again, most of which were not challenging my faith or the way I thought—I felt comfortable, maybe even overconfident, in my theism and in my god. Looking back, I think I hit a point where I felt as though my faith was only ever validated and motivated forward by the next ‘experience’ I had with the divine, the next ‘sign’ from my god that this was real. I’d come to rely on the divine more than myself, something I had told myself I’d never do, and had grown lazy waiting for divine inspiration while not taking the initiative to find it myself.
So when I broke away from the pagan community, it was kind of like starting over, since I was approaching luciferianism through a completely different mindset. The divine was no longer my only priority in my faith, Lucifer as an entity suddenly didn’t matter so much—instead, humanity bloomed into focus. ‘Divine experiences’ weren’t a necessity anymore, and deity silence didn’t scare me as much. Before, deity silence meant that perhaps Lucifer wasn’t a real entity, and that perhaps I was wasting my time for nothing. It increased my disbelief not only in my god, but in the values I thought I was fighting for. Afterwards, deity silence meant nothing—it could make me disbelieve in Lucifer as an entity, yes, but not in Lucifer as a force and ideology embedded within humanity itself.
I can’t disbelieve when I see people flourish despite adversity, inspire hope when all seems lost, and stare injustice in the eye with the promise that they will go down fighting if they must. So maybe I don’t always believe in my god as an actual god—it now seems rather insignificant that I cling to a literal divine form for him when he can be seen in so many other manifestations which, rather than being distinct and separate from humanity, are embodied in mankind’s very essence.
So while I still honor him as a god, and while divine experiences and signs are not unwelcome, I don’t feel as though I need them to validate my practice or my faith anymore, and I don’t need to look towards the divine when I can also look to humanity for inspiration.
Alexandre Cabanel “Fallen Angel” detail.
Oh, wow. The rage, the betrayal, the burning, seething rebellion of that pair of eyes.
Asking “what can I learn from this?” is a more effective question than “is this a sign?”
The Divine Comedy had the Dore illustrations in it, too
I own this version of the Divine Comedy. It’s gorgeous and I love it!
This Bible is also on my wishlist. It’s stunning.